Seven.Caged.Tigers

I know my comments haven’t been working…they seem to be now, so if you would be so kind can you test them out for me?

In other “news,” my thyroid test came back. I’m back in the normal range. It hit somewhere above 18 (which is quite bad and contributed to everything from me being exceedingly tired to gaining weight and to having very dry skin) but is now between 1 and 2. This is a huge thing because it means that JT and I can get going on having our family finally. The reproductive endocrinologist (aka “fertility guru”) had to have my thyroid under control to proceed. It is…so…

February I will have to have bloodwork to check out my hormone levels and ovulation and all that fun stuff. March will be our first “procedure.” It’s artificial insemination or IUI depending on how up on medical terms you are. In any case, it’s not supposed to be difficult and the financial burden isn’t a fraction of what IVF is so the fact the docs wanted to go this direction is more than a little soothing. Hopefully by mid-summer we’ll have a good handle on how we’re having kids–I’ve had enough of this already. I’ll have five of the IUIs tops (one every month) and after that we’ll have no other choice than adoption–and we will definitely pursue that option.

You wouldn’t believe the emotional rollercoaster infertility takes you on. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. OK. Maybe one of them, but that’s another story.

Internet identity is a whole different thing than “real life identity.” In real life, you are judged based on a whole host of characteristics from voice to movement to appearance to gestures to personality. It is the combination of all of these things that allows you to know who you are and for that to be reflected on to other people. It is difficult to successfully misrepresent yourself because of the subtleties of all of these things put together.

On the Internet most everything as related to identity is thrown out the door. We don’t use our real names (that is a major part of our identity), we don’t speak with our mouths, we can’t be seen live, and our personalities are shrouded in a bit of mystery. The only thing that we as surfers actively do to carve out our identity is write. However, the funny part with writing is that regardless of how good you are at the craft you can never say enough to make people understand who you are. It is as if we are hollow shells of humanity and only actually meeting a person can fill in that substantial gap.

There are two varieties of deception on the Internet–intentional and accidental. We’ve all run into the people who think it’s all fun and games to deceive. I really don’t have too much of an issue with fakery as long as it doesn’t hurt somebody else. Funny thing is that when all we have are words, fakery on the Internet almost always hurts other people. Accidental deception is something entirely different. Some people won’t admit that they may be capable of deception on the Internet, but let me say this much–we all deceive on the ‘net, like it or not.

You’ve seen pictures of me and read my words, but if you think you have a full picture of me you would be entirely mistaken. You may know I live in Michigan and that I’m educated and that I’m a cancer survivor. Heck, you may even be among the select few who know I’m married, that I have a younger sister, and that I’m paid to be a computer nerd. I could describe myself in thousands of ways but still you cannot know who I am until you meet me. Is this deception? Yes…but it is a function of the Internet. We all say things online that we never would in real life (yes, I’m talking to YOU). We all behave in manners we wouldn’t feel comfortable with in real life. We also tend to do one of two things–either glorify the good or dwell on the bad. It’s not intentional but the fact is reading about eating, working, sleeping, and going to school doesn’t make for good reading.

I’m not accusing anybody of lies, I’m just saying that the Internet is a strange sort of place. Online identity is only about 1/5 to 1/4 as meaningful as real life identity. Honestly…how could it be any more when we can see, touch, smell, hear, or understand a person for who they really are and not who they (though either grey or rose-colored glasses) portray themselves to be?

I’m big dumb dipshit. No. Really. I don’t get dressed in the dark, either. I got dressed this morning, looked fine and then grabbed a pair of black leather buckle shoes for work. I will readily admit that I’ve got a few pairs, but they are different enough that I didn’t figure I’d ever get them mixed up.

WRONG!

I got to work this morning, looked down, and saw two completely different shoes on my feet. One is black and buckled with a wide 1.5″ or so heel. The other is brown, with a larger buckle, pronounced stitching, and a 2″ or so heel. Indeed–I feel like a dork. I’m torn. See, I’d like to go home and claim blindness or illness or something and just bypass the embarassment of the whole situation. On the other hand, I really don’t need to go home. I can (obviously) wear these shoes. Ahem. Or not. I could also go around in my socks (they do match–red kitty socks are uber-cool) which my boss won’t like. Then again, she’s not gonna like my shoes either–heck, I don’t like my shoes!

This isn’t the first time I’ve done something this dumb. The last time was in 2000 or so. JT and I were headed out the door to go to a computer store in Okemos (by East Lansing). I grabbed my shoes and headed out without so much as ever looking down. I even tied them (and never noticed the difference). When I finally looked down I noticed I had a white casual sneaker on one foot and a brown leather one on the other. I refused to even go in the store like that…at least with one brown and one black and them being very vaguely similar styles in dark light nobody would notice.

Gack. I’m a dork.

I grew up in a very small town in the wilds of nothern Michigan. My idea of diversity was eating strawberry instead of blue moon ice cream. Everybody looked the same, acted similarly, and had similar aspirations. “Outsiders” were looked down upon (maybe that’s why two of them are still my friends today) and our shopping was limited to roughly three stores. That meant the rich kids dressed like the poor kids. There weren’t enough options to have it any other way. Fortunately, I always knew I would leave G-Town. It was comfortable and safe, but there were no opportunities outside of getting pregnant.

Over the past ten years (it has been that long–that, my friends, is frightening) I’ve lived in three other places in Michigan. I’ve lived in Sault Ste. Marie (upper peninsula), Lansing (and East Lansing), and now in Hartland (which is halfway between Detroit, Flint, Ann Arbor, and Lansing–literally in the heart of the state). Livingston County is a strange place. People own fancy cars, fancy houses, and are usually “upper middle class” as far as tax labels go. None of this would indicate the outrageous amount of racism and sexism and homophobia that goes on here. It is getting better (the KKK no longer rallies in nearby Howell) but I still can’t quite understand what all the hate and paranoia are about. As a small town girl born and raised, I am much more open-minded that most people in my county. That doesn’t make any sense either.

Back to Howell. There are apparently flags up at the school representing the diversity of the students. I don’t know which flags are displayed, but it is the LGTB rainbow one that has people panties in a bunch. Take the letter quoted below as evidence of a common sentiment around this area that sickens me…

Take down the rainbow flag

I was very upset when I saw the rainbow flag at Howell High School. I think it sticks out like a sore thumb. I think it is totally wrong. It has nothing to do with diversity but everything to do with gays. I am sick of it.

The only flag that needs to be there is the United States flag. That represents everyone.

Both my children graduated from Howell High, and I told them if they ever have children never to put them in public schools, only put them in Christian schools. I think public schools are going down the drain, fast!

It is a very sad day for the Howell Public Schools. I am just sick and tired of these people pushing it in our faces. Just because these people choose to change their morals, doesn’t mean we have to.

Wendy ******

The best is the part about Christian schools. It’s no secret that I’m an atheist. However, my mother is a teacher in a Catholic school (funny how things like that happen). Is this ignorant woman suggesting that gay people don’t go to Christian schools? If so, I do think she’s got a major surprise coming. I also am sickened by her reference to “these people.” Does she not realize we are one people regardless of race, gender, or sexual orientation? Sometimes people truly frighten me.

I’m such a nerd. Via another online site I stumbled onto a free online MMORPG called X-Kings. So far it’s fun, but it would be a heck of a lot more fun to have more folks online with me. So far it’s not too huge–a few 1000 players. I don’t know a whole lot about it but I do think it’s got potential.

To sign up and be my officer (I’ll be your commander, baby!) check out this link. So sign up dammit! It’s free!

With all that pimpage out of the way, I’ll return to the topic at hand. Actually, there is no REAL topic but I will say that for once I slept through an entire night. I never woke up–at least not until my alarm at 5:15am. It was kind of refreshing actually. Last night JT called and said he was lost in Pittsburgh. He was looking for a restaurant (he wouldn’t tell me WHICH one) and couldn’t find the street address. Crazy boy. I think I got him directed there. I also think he was probably looking for a Hard Rock Cafe (is there one in Pittsburgh?). In any case, yes, my husband is a dork sometimes.

I also bought a new RPG. I got Suikoden IV and am already sucked into the characters, story, and land. I don’t play too many games but when a new Final Fantasy (save for 11), Suikoden, or Kingdom Hearts (whenever THAT happens) comes out I’m a sucker for it. I also played some Star Ocean, but it didn’t catch me like the other titles I mentioned. It was still fun enough though.

Did I ever mention I’m a big huge nerd? At least I’m playing often while riding my exercise bike. More than my thumbs are getting activity that way…

Don’t you just hate how quickly weekends fly by? I mean, I have like 60 hours to unwind after a long week of work yet it’s not enough. There’s never, ever enough time come to think of it. Friday night was boring. JT and I went out to eat at Chili’s and then came home, watched a movie of some variety, and fell asleep. Friday also marked the receipt of a fabulous gift from Epinions–a FREE gift with NO strings attached (believe it or not, but you can get free stuff and money on the net if you work for it–nothing is easy). In any case, I got an Archos 20GB Personal Video Media Center thingie. It’s pretty cool. Basically, you can record things from your TV, VCR, DVD, or TiVo and watch them back on this little nifty device. I’m enjoying it thus far and look forward to my next long road trip.

Saturday was slightly busier. It was capped off by my cousin’s little girl’s 4th birthday party. Olivia had a great time. Those kids are getting so big so quickly. Her big brother Dakota is about to lose his first tooth. It was the first thing he showed me when I walked in the front door. That was just prior to him exclaiming that he loves parties because “they smell good.” Kids are so cute.

Sunday was rather quiet. JT left for Pittsburgh for training. He drove out there rather than flying. In any case, that leaves me here alone with the cats. Fortunately, I don’t feel uncomfortable being alone–I live in a safe area and commute to a safe place. He’ll be back on Friday afternoon. I already look forward to seeing the boy again.

Here are a few pictures from this past week…click to see glorious full size.

Max & Dewey are in Love

Olivia “posing”

Olivia opening birthday gifts

Matthew watching the festivities

Sean, Jim & Jeremy at Mt. Brighton

Aren’t we cute? (of course we are…)

As always I’m entertained by what search terms direct people to SCT. Over the years I’ve used thousands upon thousands of different words. You can splice together just about any thought on any topic by using them. It seems that this is the case in many of the recent searches from Google that have landed people at this lovely little website.

nail biters home fetish
Dear Mr. Freak:
I am not going to take pictures of my bitten nails and post them on this site regardless of how many times you ask using various names.

my sunbathing neighbor pics
Dear Mr. Pervert:
I do not have pictures of my neighbor sunbathing. Even if I did, you wouldn’t want to see him as he is a middle aged man who may or may not be an alcoholic.

five oclock vodka
Dear Mr. Cheap-Ass:
I do not drink cheap vodka. Don’t come around here expecting stories of me doing illicit things after sipping on Five O’Clock or Mohawk. It’s just not gonna happen. I suggest your nearest hole-in-the-wall dive for girls like that.

porn dwarfs
Dear Mr. Addict:
You have apparently run out of pornography which satisfies you. I cannot help you with pictures of dwarves engaging in such acts. I’m sure if you spell “dwarves” properly you will find more entertainment.

marry me at twelve oaks mall 2004
Dear Mr. Shop-a-holic:
I do enjoy buying candles and shoes and clothes at Twelve Oaks Mall, though I am obviously not such a fan of the place as you are. Therefore, I must turn your proposal down.

flint michigan prostitute
Dear Mr. Hard-up:
Obviously women don’t come easy to you. Much of my family is indeed from Flint, but none of them is a prostitute. I wish I could help more, but instead suggest you hang around the corners downtown and solicit for sex.

fantastic sam complaints
Dear Buyer of $12 Haircuts:
You are getting your hair cut at one of the cheapest places known to man. It’s hard to complain about anything that isn’t shaving it all off accidentally. Spend a little extra money, then complaints would be more than welcome.

There are whole bunches of others, too. My talk about the CSI “Yiffing and Scritching” topic still gets a bunch of hits. In addition, I get hit a whole bunch for the word castration. Oh yes–dogs who eat mulch are also rather popular. Mmph. There really are more than a few freaks out there…

Car pile ups are fun. No. Really. This one happened about 30 miles away from my home on a road I’ve traveled about a zillion times. It seems like Michigan has quite an issue with car pileups on its expressways. My sister was in a nasty one on I-94 eight or nine years ago. There was another soon thereafter in Gaylord (”up north”) on I-75 that piled up a whole bunch of cars during an ice storm.

However, the one yesterday on I-96 involved something near to 200 cars (100 in one accident westbound and another 100 in the eastbound lanes). The reason for the issue is easy. Tuesday night it was below freezing with snow and on Wednesday it warmed up to 55 or so degrees which caused a LOT of fog around the middle and southeast parts of Michigan. It really was lovely. My dad called me last night to make sure JT and I were safe. It wasn’t THAT close to my house, but he knew the fog was everywhere. Of course we are safe, but still it is always a bit chilling for something like that to happen in your own back yard.

This is the dumbest weather I’ve ever seen. In the span of a week will will have had two inches of snow, freezing temperatures, 60 degree temperatures, fog, thunderstorms, 40MPH wind gusts, ice storms, and single digit temps. I know I live in Michigan, but this my friends is out of control.

A lot of people are jumping on the whole 52 books in 52 weeks idea. I’m a major reader. I do it every day for fun. I probably read more than that every year, but I don’t have faith that in subscribing to that idea I won’t read only twelve this year to spite the organization of the whole thing. Heck, I’ve already read two books this year. I’m on track. But still…I could completely flub it up. I guess I’ll keep track unofficially and see how I do at the end of 2005.

I’ve not mentioned it but my husband has started his own little blog at jeremytowne.com. Isn’t he creative with URLs? I guess t here’s no better than your own name. He’s actually keeping it updated pretty well. You can see some more of what’s going on in my life there. Current topic of discussion? Our TiVo. He’s hacked it pretty furiously and added a new hard drive. It can also be controlled via a laptop and programs can be burned to DVD. We’ve played them back and they look fabulous. It seems as if we’re going to have some major cartoon libraries because of it all. Batman, Spiderman, X-Men. We’ll have them all.

Random topic 3. My sister is coming home for 11 days starting on March 25. I don’t get to see her often. Actually, I’ve only seen her the twice she’s been home since she left for England in August of 2001. It’s kind of strange to not see her. She and her husband have (smartly) decided that she needs to come home twice a year. Robin will accompany her on one of those trips. I’m pretty excited to see her. England is a LONG freakin’ way away from Michigan.

Random topic 4. It snowed last night. Michigan’s weather is rather unpredictible. They didn’t know it was going to snow, but somehow a few inches have already fallen. It’s supposed to turn to freezing rain midday and to rain this evening. Temperatures are supposed to get into the high 40’s on Thursday. Friday we are supposed to hit 0. It really is crazy, I tell ya. Michigan is not for people who like to know what they are in store for weather wise–it’s much too random.

It’s just a stupid community college–I keep telling myself that in a vain effort to deflect some of the hurt. I’d really gotten excited about taking a class this coming semester. I enrolled in late November/early December for American Literature II. I adore classes and am now considering getting a master’s degree in some variety of English and decided to round out my educational background a bit. So I investigated & found courses offered by a community college in my area. I paid and routinely checked back for info about the required books.

So today I log in and notice a big fat CN by the course offering. It’s been cancelled. Nobody ever called me or e-mailed me the news–I never even got anything in the mail. Registration ended yesterday so I’m basically screwed. I’m so pissed off right now I am having issues talking. It’s not about the money paid, it’s about the enjoyment lost. I completely wanted to take a class, I got my hopes up, and this damn place yanked it away without so much as a notice so I could sign up for another course. Grrr…

My mind is all swimmy now. I called the college and bitched a little and ensured that I would get my refund. I also told them that their lack of communication was way beyond unprofessional and that it was highly unlikely I would ever take a class there because of this distinct lack of care. Let me just mention–this is a hugely popular community college that my husband earned his associate’s from way back in 1996. They are reputable, but I’ve come to the conclusion that they really don’t care at all.

Now I’m investigating my options of just pursuing my Master’s degree. I’m going to look into Eastern Michigan, University of Michigan, and Oakland University as options right now. I probably won’t sign up right away but I want to know what I have to look forward to. I’ve been a grad student before (Michigan State University Journalism program scholar-type back in 1999) so I have more than a vague idea of what to expect.

Grrr.

Talk about panic. It always happens when we are expected to get a big snow or ice storm. School cancel prematurely, people drive like jerks for no reason, and Fox 2 news blows it all out of proportion. I have no doubt that the roadways are somewhat impeded, but the fact is that all I see is slush. Know what? People think they can drive in slush. Nothing is further from the truth. If I have one thing to suggest to all stupid drivers, it would be to avoid the slush on the sides of the road at all costs. It will grab you and you will get in an accident.

So yeah–we were supposed to get a big storm. Because of stupid/anxious/raging people the roads are hellacious–not the damn weather. Over 400 schools have cancelled, but not Detroit Public Schools. They are still open. It’s just the stupid panicked districts that jumped the gun. That just means that kids will be spilling out everywhere across metro Detroit. Woo-hoo. Consider me slightly confused/perplexed/unhappy.

Here I sit in the comfort of my own home at an hour too early for vacation (I woke up at 7am with a certain urgency). It’s warm and comfy and I’m surrounded by fierce beasties in a variety of colors. By the way, one of those fierce beasties decided it was a good idea to attack a recently unearthed duck beanie baby. I just sat back and laughed and Max unsuccessfully attempted to tear its throat out. Oh how I hate little furry fake, formerly “trendy” collectors items.

Hey all! Guess what…I, after over three years, have just switched over to Wordpress. With the help of none other than Jeanna (emersongeek.net) who designed the new SCT look, I’m up and running. All of my old entries have been imported (easy, folks, VERY easy) and almost everything should look right. I’ve got a few tweaks to make (links along the right & content over there) and then everything should be A-OK.

Thank you, Jeanna, for making this a seamless transition and for the nifty design. It is more appreciated then I could possibly express.

The New Years festivities went nicely. It consisted of hanging out with college friends (it’s been five and a half years since those days), drinking, eating, and playing games. It really was a nice time. I miss them all (including Claude who admitted to reading this site on occasion–a fact that surprised me more than a bit).

Outside of that, I really want to share a few pictures taken with my brand new Casio Exilim EX-55 digital camera. I’m so impressed by it all that I find it IMPOSSIBLE not to boast.